I have given birth to four children- 3 naturally (ouch) and 1 by emergency c-section. I remember with all four of them the anticipation as they entered the world waiting for their first cry. It felt like minutes while the whole room stood still waiting....waiting...for that first cry. Then you hear it and everyone relaxes, rejoices, while they hand your baby to you to hold for the first time. I will never forget hearing that first cry and holding them for the first time. They were so warm and cuddly. You know what makes that first cry possible? Their first breath of life. I never thought about that. I was always waiting to hear that first cry not their first breath. Before they make that first cry, they take a deep breath and out it comes. I never thought of that until Monday night January 5Th.
Nicholas had been having a rough day. He was teething again which makes for a rough time. It takes so long for his teeth to come in and due to his brain injury he is very sensitive to pain. So all day he had rapid breathing due to the pain and was just uncomfortable. I needed (well, I say needed but in reality I did not need to) to go work/church to do a few things. Stephen was working so I had to take all of the kids. This is not as bad as it sounds. I go at night when no one is there and they can play in our office area. My office has a big meeting room so they always play in there. So against my better judgment I loaded the kids up and headed to church.
Nicholas is not too fond of being strapped into things...car seat..kids cart, etc. He will do okay sometimes but if he is mad he will NOT sit in his seats. Well tonight was one of those nights. He was agitated the whole way to church. Sometimes he will calm down, sometimes we have to stop and hold him for a bit. I made it to church this night but he was still mad while we were there. After an hour I decide it is not worth it so we headed back home. I put Nicholas in his car seat and he immediately started crying, then arching to get out. I took him out and held him telling him we will be home in a few minutes. So I put him back in and he starts all over. Well, I head out anyway. We don't get far and I hear how agitated Nicholas is getting. I tell the kids that I am going to pull over and hold him for a bit. Now, this does not happen too much. To pull over at night with no husband with me is rare but something told me to pull over NOW. As I pull onto a side street I realize that I do not hear Nicholas anymore. Instead of saying "wow he is better," I know this is not the case. Something is terribly wrong.
I opened my car door which then turned on the interior lights and immediately heard Stephen D screaming. "Mommy, oh my God, Mommy hurry, help him." The next few minutes seemed like hours-agonizing painful hours. I got to Nicholas and barely glanced at him before I knew I had to take action. Nicholas was arched against his seat belt completely blue and not breathing. So many thoughts went through my head at that point.
"He is still conscious because he is arching."
"But..he is completely blue...my God he has got to be close to going into cardiac arrest."
"Dear God, please don't let him die. Not now. Not in front of all my kids. Please."
"Lisa, get him out NOW! If I get him out he will calm down and it will be fine. Nicholas always calms down when he is held."
I get him out of his seat which was really hard because he was so stiff. I held him against me knowing all will be okay. It's not. He still won't breathe. I rubbed his back, telling him it is okay but still no BREATH OF LIFE. Lord, why is this happening? Please don't take him. Don't do this to us..to my children..please. Breathe Nicholas.....breathe
In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind. Job 12:10
I knew at this point I would have to do CPR on Nicholas. I had never done nor practiced it. Stephen had told me how to do it and I prayed really hard I would remember. Really, your mind does go blank yet a million thoughts run through your head. Your body goes on instinct. The Lord took over for me-thank goodness. As I was about to lower Nicholas to the ground and start CPR, I felt and heard it. The Breath of Life.
The Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life. Job 33:4
That huge deep intake of breath. I froze. Again, Nicholas took a deep breath then he relaxed and starting his normal breathing. Nicholas then started to cry and of course I lost it then. I got back in the car and we just cried and cried. Then I heard Brandon. Sweet Brandon. Again, he is there to see his brother. Oh no...what do I do. I need to take care of Nicholas but Brandon needs me too. He is screaming for Daddy. Screaming for Nicholas not to die. Then I heard Stephen. "Brandon, it's ok. Nicholas is ok. Hear him cry. He's ok buddy." I turn around and see that Stephen has his arm around Brandon and is trying to console him.
I fly home with Nicholas in my lap. Yes, I know how dangerous this is but there is no way I was putting him back in the car seat. Steve meets us at home where we go over everything that happened.
You know, I was there in the waiting room on May 4th 2007. Waiting to see if Nicholas would breath again. Not knowing if I would ever hold my baby again. I was told the story from Stephen about May 13th 2008 when he had to breathe the breath of life into Nicholas. No matter how that felt, how my heart broke those times, it will never compare to holding my child who is not breathing while my three other children cry watching it all. How precious is the breath of life. That gift the Lord gives to all of us to live.
I ask that you pray for my children especially Brandon. He has been through so much and is hurting from this. We are going to have Brandon see someone who specializes in families such as ours. Pray for him. I know there is a reason for this. It hurts as a mother to have my children go through this. On the other hand, the Lord knew this would happen and prepared all of us for this. Stephen has such a special heart for special needs children, Megan wants to be a PICU nurse, and Brandon wants to be a pediatric surgeon to "fix all of the children in the world."
Again, I thank the Lord for giving me Nicholas back. For blessing me with him and Stephen, Megan and Brandon. We are truly, truly blessed. In simple words....I feel so lucky!!
