HAPPY 2nd BIRTHDAY NICHOLAS!!!

Pictures from his birthday last year.

Sweet Todd! (Do sweet and Todd go together?) We love Todd and Cheryl. They have been a huge blessing to us. Todd cooked all of the food that day so me and Stephen could socialize. They have been with us through everything. Chris and Stephen thinking they are cool. Chris and I constantly pick at each other-constantly. But all picking aside, I love Chris like a brother. Enjoy this confession now Chris because it won't happen again :) Chris and Teressa have also been a huge blessing in our lives. We love them both.

Sweet Donna. Now sweet and Donna do go together. Who could not absolutely love and adore Don and Donna? We are truly blessed as a church to have them as our Pastor and wife. We love them as well. They have loved us and prayed for and with us from day one.

There are two of the "girls" Joyce and Claudia. Kevin and Claudia have become second parents to our children. They have loved and nurtured them when we were at the hospital so much.
Leslie, our Brenner family. One of Nicholas' PICU nurses.
Barney and Julie- more Brenner family. Much love to all of them!

I cannot believe that my little baby boy is 2 today. What an awesome, eventful and truly blessed two years. How many people can say that their child was born, had heart surgery, went into cardiac arrest, suffered brain injury, had a feeding tube put in, had yet another feeding tube put in because the first type did not work for him,and then suffered a respiratory arrest all within two years of his life. Actually his first seven months of life were totally uneventful-guess he was making up for it.

I remember when I found out I was pregnant with Nicholas. It was quite a surprise and one that I tried to deny for a while. We weren't trying for Nicholas and had decided we were done with three children. My mother in law was dying from cancer at this time and was thought not to make it much longer. We had moved into a house closer to my in laws so we could help take care of her. A three bedroom house. I knew I was pregnant- had all of the symptoms but would not take that TEST. I love my children, love being a mom, love being pregnant but now was not the time to be pregnant. We moved to a 3 bedroom house and my mother in law was slowly dying from cancer. I could not be pregnant right now.

So I took that test-saw the two lines saying it was positive. I called Stephen and told him over the phone while he was at work (not too romantic was it?) He was so excited-I thought he was crazy. Well, the next day reality set in and he was as stunned as I was. How could the Lord allow me to be pregnant while my mother in law was dying and she may never meet her 4th grandchild? You see, Ann's life was her grandchildren. She wasn't afraid to die. She knew she would be with our Lord. She did not want to leave her grandchildren. She wanted to see them grow up. How could I ever tell her we were pregnant again? I did not want to cause her anymore pain. This is why I fretted so much over being pregnant. I did not want her to hurt knowing she would not see this child grow up- and may never even meet him.

Excitement soon set in over this baby. The children were so excited over another sibling. The boys claiming another brother and Megan praying for a sister. Ann was excited as well. This became another reason to keep fighting. Stephen and I were both excited but there was a part of us that held back some. We both felt, without telling each other, that something was just not right.

They give this test when a mother is pregnant so see if they detect any abnormalities like DS or cystic fibrosis. I had a cousin die from cystic fibrosis so I always took that test just to know. I would love the child regardless but I would want to know so I could plan. Well, I did not take it this time before my ultrasound. I was so nervous to have this ultrasound, knowing they would find something wrong. We found out it was a boy and everything looked fine but.....they did not see something that they normally find in babies at this point. Sometimes it has not developed so it may not mean anything. They have found lately though that this is a sign of down syndrome. I will not tell what this was because I don't want other people to fret. The doctor and nurse shrugged this off. "Have the test done to see and then you will know but don't worry about it." But I knew-my son had Down Syndrome. Stephen still denied it.

I took the test and tried to forget about it but I was already looking up DS on the internet. Don't ever do this!! It is mainly negative and will only cause undue stress. Well, they call me and tell me to come in so they can discuss the results of the test. Come on!!! They are not calling me in for the results unless it is bad. We went in and they told us that our 1 in 200 chance went down to a 1 in 70 chance that Nicholas had DS. The doctor was SO nice and really tried so hard to comfort us telling us all of the great things about DS children. We were too stunned to listen. How could this be happening? How could the Lord give us a child we did not expect while my husband's mother dies of cancer and now he has DS? We felt like the world was ending.

They told us that we could do an amnio to find out for sure but there was a 1 in 200 chance he could die. Now we were stressing and complaining about having a child with DS but there was no way we were going to risk his life just to find out if he had it. No way. So we had a genetic ultrasound done which goes into detail of the baby. Thank goodness we did because that is when we found out about the heart defect. You have got to be kidding! My mother in law is dying, our baby has DS and now he has a heart defect and we are told he may not make it when he is born.

We didn't tell anyone about this. We did not want a child with DS. When we found out about the heart defect the thought of the DS went away. Who cared about the DS? We were afraid we would lose our son. To make a long story a little shorter we were given a wonderful cardiologist at Wake who put all of our fears to rest about his heart defect. He wouldn't need surgery until 3-6 months and everything should be fine after that.

Once again, the fear of a DS child came back. We felt like we were being punished for some reason. My mom bought him a little outfit and I would look at it and cry. This is not what we asked for! We started telling people about Nicholas. All of our friends knew something was wrong. Claudia, my dearest friend, smacked me back into reality. I told her "Claudia, he has down syndrome." Her immediate reply "So?" "Did you hear me?" Yes, Lisa I heard you but who cares. He is your son and we already love him regardless. Who cares about a label anyway?" She was right. He is my son. My son that the Lord has blessed me with- a baby created my Him. How could I have been so dumb and blind?

To this day, I regret every bad feeling I had about my son Nicholas. It's funny, the thing we fretted over the most, his Down syndrome, doesn't mean a thing to us anymore. It is just label, nothing more. The Lord wasn't trying to cause us heartache. He wasn't punishing us. He was trying to bless us with a beautiful son. Knowing Ann was dying and we would be sad, he gave us this shining light. The Lord thought so much of me and Stephen that he blessed us with this special little boy who has brought so much joy and happiness to this family. I am so honored and eternally grateful to be Nicholas' mother. I look at him and proudly and joyfully say "He is my son." By the way, Ann did meet her 4th grandchild. She got to hold him and love him. She went to be with the Lord when he was 3 months old.

Thank you Lord for my precious baby. Thank you for two wonderful years and I pray for many, many more. Happy Birthday sweet Nicholas. I love you!